We're all social beings.
Validation through compliments and praises makes us feel good.
On the flip side, criticisms or negative feedback burn a deep hole of pain in our hearts.
But do either of these - praise or criticism - necessarily reflect who we are?
Almost always not.
Why?
Ever visited an art museum with friends?
All of you could be looking at the same piece of art and feel very differently about it. You might love it. Your friend might think it is just average. And the third might never understand the point of visiting an art museum in the first place.
The same goes with flowers and trees and even people.
If the goodness we praise in people and the negative we criticize about them were inherent in people, then there clearly would be a distinct list of those who are universally good and those who are universally bad. But that's not the case!
Simon could be a great friend to you and may not be so to someone else.
You might see me as polite and someone else might observe me as rather loud.
After all, criticism and praise come from the other person's perception of you.
It has little to do with you and lots to do with what shapes the perception of the giver of praise or criticism.
Beauty or not - it all lies in the eyes of the beholder.
Like the art museum situation, even though you and your friends were looking at the same thing, all of you perceived it differently.
You liked it, which means you felt attracted to it. It gave you pleasure to see that piece of art.
One of your friends didn't like it, which means they felt an aversion to it. It gave them no pleasure.
And the other friend had no opinion at all, which means they felt indifferent about it.
You see, it was the same object but you all had three different and distinct feelings.
And where did the difference in these feelings of praise, criticism, or indifference arise from?
Mostly your own previous experiences, beliefs, likes, dislikes, and more.
For instance, you might have liked the painting because it resembled the painting your grandmother used to once create. Your friend may have disliked it because it was too abstract and she doesn't enjoy abstract visuals. And the third friend may not even have cared to observe it because she imagines herself to not love art.
Now, if the painter of the image was present with you - whose feedback would have been factually correct?
None of them, right?
As per the painter's affinity or tendency, they may choose to dwell on the good, the bad, or the indifferent.
But in reality, none of these perceptions are actually what the image is.
In fact, if not for our perceptions, the image does not have an identity of its own.
It is the same for humans too.
Unlike a piece of art, it is hard to imagine humans the same way.
At any given point in time, there would be people who appreciate you and your work, do not like you or your work and then those, that are indifferent towards you.
Basing your self-worth on others' feedback can, in this sense, be very harmful. Because what people have to say about you is not a factual reality but just their perspective.
And when we get too focused on staying in the good books of others, we naturally shed our authenticity and do things that become worthy of praise according to their perspective. Or, avoid things that could garner their criticism.
This is why grasping onto the praise and running away from criticisms isn't a great idea.
What is a good idea then?
Every time you receive praise or criticism, it is important to remind yourself that this that you are hearing is the other person's opinion and not a fact.
And once you have that in mind, what you want to do with the feedback becomes easier.
Praise can make you feel grateful for the appreciation you received. And a criticism may prompt you to evaluate what can be improved and if you see nothing, then be able to let it go with ease.
And all of this work can really be done only from a place of self-worth - where your value and opinion about yourself is not dependent on external validation.
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